You've robbed and raped and murdered too

And now the law's caught up with you,

But twenty years will fly like hours.

Just be careful in the showers.

You've squandered all your rent on booze

And now your home you're going to lose

But never fear, there are still more ways,

Like benches, subways or shop doorways.

Congratulations! You're a whore!

Your new career you will adore.

May it free you from the kitchen

And help fund your heroin addiction.

A have-a-go hero, your husband was

But now the bastard's dead.

He tried to stop my getaway

So I pumped him full of lead.

I've told you before, you fuckface

But once again you're in my space.

Well, this time you can wear the frown

Because I've let your tyres down.

Congratulations! You survived!

But next time you might not.

So, when you need a cry for help,

Take the bloody lot!

A loyal worker all your life,

Your job faces its nemesis.

These two gentlemen will now

Escort you off the premises.

Sorry to hear you've lost your job

You must feel quite a fool

The computer is quicker and better than you

Fuck off back to Liverpool.

This card is just a way

To lovingly convey

That you are just a wanker

Please don't send back a 'thank yer'.

A big Hurray on this fine day!

A mighty fine manoeuvre,

Your little baby, here at last!

Albeit down a hoover.

Congratulations! Hip hurrah!

You're very nearly dead,

A lovely party soon will start,

Inside your wizzened head.

You thought that you would never see

Again the light of day,

But now they've dug your corpse up

For the necrophiles to play.