If you didn’t have a bum crack 

Your arse would be quite plain. 

It would not have a crevice 

To cleave the thing in twain. 

Instead it would resemble 

A smoothly polished dome 

With a crater in the centre 

Like a rounded volcano. 

 

If you didn’t have a bum crack, 

You’d only have one cheek 

Albeit quite a big one 

But you’d still feel like a freak. 

Your gait would be all awkward 

As your bum would stretch and strain, 

And thongs would look ridiculous 

And be never worn again. 

 

I’m glad that we’ve got bum cracks 

And only one at that. 

Anymore would make us look 

A total set of twats. 

Imagine five, or ten, or more, 

I’m sure that I would hate it. 

Who could be turned by arses 

That are corrugated? 

 

So raise a glass to bum cracks 

As they’ve sadly been neglected 

They hide your hideous brown eye 

And should rightly be respected. 

Let’s thank the Lord for bum cracks 

And be glad that we’ve all got ’em 

And drink a toast to that fine thing: 

The bifurcated bottom