Bog Troll
Please don’t switch the taps on,
Don’t pass me the soap,
Let me get the paper towel myself;
It’s all I hope.
I don’t want any perfume
To spray upon my skin,
And sure as fuck I won’t put money
In your begging tin.
Why don’t you just fuck right off
And leave me well alone?
I may be drunk but I can use
A toilet on my own.
I only want to take a piss
And wash my hands and go.
I do not need a cunt like you
To make the water flow.
Don’t be nice and gracious,
And do not call me sir,
And please don’t be so cheerful.
What you do is quite absurd.
Your job is crap and pointless,
So don’t pretend you’re happy,
And do not treat me like a babe
That needs a change of nappy.
Right, that’s it. I’m done. I’m off.
I’ll leave you to your duty.
I don’t care how much you get
In your tin of booty.
Just in future don’t involve me
In your sad career.
I’m fucking off back to the bar now
For another beer
- A Poet’s Life
- Star Trek
- A Postcard From Cairo
- Waldrapp Ibis
- A Postcard From Paris
- Washing Up In The Nude
- A Song In My Heart
- We Are All Tubes
- Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
- Bachelor Gay
- Beansprouts
- Being Smelly
- Bike
- Bog Troll
- Bollocks
- Boris Et Al
- When
- Born To Be A Cunt
- Brian Is A Cunt
- Bum Cracks
- Chairs
- Chips
- Come To Grimsby
- Crustylingus
- Die Like Elvis
- Dining At The Y
- Zafira
- Finger On The Button
- Fuck
- GDPR
- Go East Young Man
- Goose
- Printer Friendly Version
- Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
- Grimsby Fair
- Safe Word
- I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
- Shiter’s Block
- I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
- I Want A Wee Wee
- If I Were
- Ill Ness
- In The Park
- JFK
- Kelp
- Let’s Swap Snot
- Look At Me I’m Wonderful
- My Old Man’s A Dustman
- National Curry Day
- National Poetry Day
- Nob Gags
- Ode To My Stapler
- Ode To O
- Owed To Ayrton
- Pervert
- Poultry
- Theme For An Imaginary Soap
- Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
- The Breakfast Song
- Underwear
- The Glisten On The Aubergine
- The Shits
- The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie