I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
I walked on golden sandwiches
The doughy softness ’neath my feet
Where seldom one disparages
The choice they make to eat.
For here was egg and cress and cheese
And bacon, beef and ham
And there was chicken Milanese
And turkey, tongue and Spam.
I skirted round the gilded crusts
As though it were the sarny’s gutter
Where seeping out like yellowed rust
Was "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter"
Oh, wondrous sandwiches that gleam
Whose true abode would be Fort Knox
I cannot but hold you in esteem
Yet trample you in shoes and socks.
And as I leapt from ’wich to ’wich
And bounded in the fluffiness
I stumbled on a teenage witch
Of most unsightly scruffiness.
She played upon a concertina
Touting for odd bits of change.
She said, "Yes, I am Sabrina
And I know that this looks strange."
"You see my audience has dropped
’Cos people tired of comic witches.
And since my T.V. show has flopped
I’ve gone and blown all of my riches.
Drink and drugs then took their toll
And gambling took the dosh I’d made
And then I was living in a hole
Cold and hungry and so afraid.
But then I found a ragged script
That of the final episode
That ne’er was shot because they’d nipp’d
The ailing series in the bud.
And hence there lay one final spell
That no one from the show had uttered.
And all at once I knew too well
Just how my bread was to be buttered
Gold! I cried. Oh give me gold
Let it be my daily bread
Give me riches to behold
And live with until I am dead.
And now you see my sorry state,
No longer hungry, no longer poor.
But I must bear my awful fate
For from this place there is no door.
So, please, I beg you, spare some change
For begging’s all I do
My hair is ridden with the mange
And I sleep in my own poo."
And as I looked upon this wretch
I knew she told the truth
For from her came an awful stench
Which made me go "Gor Streuth!"
But then my blood began to race
And I smacked her round the head
And as I kicked her in the face
This is what I said:
"You silly, stupid, soddin’ bitch
No way am I gonna pay yer.
I’ve no time for a teenage witch
For I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
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- Bachelor Gay
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- Finger On The Button
- A Postcard From Paris
- Nob Gags
- Boris Et Al
- Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
- I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
- Shiter’s Block
- Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
- Look At Me I’m Wonderful
- The Glisten On The Aubergine
- In The Park
- Being Smelly
- Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
- The Shits
- My Old Man’s A Dustman
- Star Trek
- Ode To My Stapler
- Waldrapp Ibis
- Bum Cracks
- Die Like Elvis
- I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
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- If I Were
- I Want A Wee Wee
- Grimsby Fair
- Ode To O
- Let’s Swap Snot
- A Poet’s Life
- Come To Grimsby
- Ill Ness
- Brian Is A Cunt
- National Poetry Day
- A Postcard From Cairo
- The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie
- The Breakfast Song
- Dining At The Y
- Born To Be A Cunt
- Bog Troll
- Printer Friendly Version
- Theme For An Imaginary Soap
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- Safe Word