Nob Gags

Speak to me in nob gags 

They’re the ones I like to hear. 

When someone’s cracking nob gags 

It’s like music to my ears. 

 

Nob gags are the best, 

They’re the finest kind of humour. 

Much better than an Irish joke 

Or far fetched office rumour. 

 

Oh, how I do love nob gags 

I could hear them all day long. 

If you make a puerile quip 

It must involve a shlong 

 

And if I’m looking glum 

And I need some cheering up 

A good old fashioned nob gag 

Is the thing to perk me up. 

 

If you’re an early riser 

Say that you’re up with the cock. 

This is my favourite nob gag 

And it’s guaranteed to shock. 

 

Let me offer you a drink 

While I’m standing at the bar 

But please say "Mine’s a large one", 

And I know that we’ll go far. 

 

Follow me into the gents 

And in a loud voice shout 

That great urinal nob gag, 

"This is where they all hang out" 

 

Tell me it’s twelve inches 

But you don’t use it as a rule, 

Or say you have to bone up 

For a big exam at school. 

 

"You’ll only feel a little prick," 

That’s what the nurse did say 

I said that she’d feel rather more 

If I could have my way. 

 

"Do you have a large part?" 

I said unto the actor. 

He said it’s just the way he walked. 

Oh, how we died with laughter. 

 

"Have you got a stiff one?" 

I asked down at the morgue. 

The man said he’d just got it out 

And slammed it in the drawer. 

 

And then I asked the fireman, 

"Can I go down on your pole?" 

Oh, when it comes to nob gags 

I could take on any role. 

 

So speak to me in nob gags. 

It’s the tongue I understand, 

For one thing about nob gags 

Is they’re never ever bland. 

 

Some people say sarcasm 

Is the lowest form of wit. 

Then the highest is the nob gag. 

It surely is a hit. 

 

Oh, speak to me in nob gags 

In the pub or on the pavement, 

For only then I’ll truly feel 

That we’re on the same wavelength. 

 

And when you’ve told me all your nob gags 

’Til they’re printed on my brain. 

You can repeat them all tomorrow 

For I’ll surely come again. 

 

• Goose
• Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
• Die Like Elvis
• National Curry Day
• Bachelor Gay
• A Postcard From Paris
• Poultry
• Bike
• If I Were
• Beansprouts
• JFK
• Owed To Ayrton
• The Glisten On The Aubergine
• Printer Friendly Version
• Underwear
• Chairs
• The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie
• Bog Troll
• Waldrapp Ibis
• When
• Kelp
• Born To Be A Cunt
• I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
• A Postcard From Cairo
• Grimsby Fair
• Safe Word
• Zafira
• Theme For An Imaginary Soap
• Star Trek
• Washing Up In The Nude
• Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
• Ode To My Stapler
• The Breakfast Song
• Pervert
• We Are All Tubes
• Fuck
• Finger On The Button
• Come To Grimsby
• Shiter’s Block
• Go East Young Man
• Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
• Brian Is A Cunt
• National Poetry Day
• Crustylingus
• In The Park
• Ill Ness
• I Want A Wee Wee
• Nob Gags
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• Dining At The Y
• Let’s Swap Snot
• Bum Cracks
• A Poet’s Life
• Ode To O
• Boris Et Al
• GDPR
• Look At Me I’m Wonderful
• My Old Man’s A Dustman
• Bollocks
• Chips
• Being Smelly
• A Song In My Heart
• The Shits

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