Nob Gags

Speak to me in nob gags 

They’re the ones I like to hear. 

When someone’s cracking nob gags 

It’s like music to my ears. 

 

Nob gags are the best, 

They’re the finest kind of humour. 

Much better than an Irish joke 

Or far fetched office rumour. 

 

Oh, how I do love nob gags 

I could hear them all day long. 

If you make a puerile quip 

It must involve a shlong 

 

And if I’m looking glum 

And I need some cheering up 

A good old fashioned nob gag 

Is the thing to perk me up. 

 

If you’re an early riser 

Say that you’re up with the cock. 

This is my favourite nob gag 

And it’s guaranteed to shock. 

 

Let me offer you a drink 

While I’m standing at the bar 

But please say "Mine’s a large one", 

And I know that we’ll go far. 

 

Follow me into the gents 

And in a loud voice shout 

That great urinal nob gag, 

"This is where they all hang out" 

 

Tell me it’s twelve inches 

But you don’t use it as a rule, 

Or say you have to bone up 

For a big exam at school. 

 

"You’ll only feel a little prick," 

That’s what the nurse did say 

I said that she’d feel rather more 

If I could have my way. 

 

"Do you have a large part?" 

I said unto the actor. 

He said it’s just the way he walked. 

Oh, how we died with laughter. 

 

"Have you got a stiff one?" 

I asked down at the morgue. 

The man said he’d just got it out 

And slammed it in the drawer. 

 

And then I asked the fireman, 

"Can I go down on your pole?" 

Oh, when it comes to nob gags 

I could take on any role. 

 

So speak to me in nob gags. 

It’s the tongue I understand, 

For one thing about nob gags 

Is they’re never ever bland. 

 

Some people say sarcasm 

Is the lowest form of wit. 

Then the highest is the nob gag. 

It surely is a hit. 

 

Oh, speak to me in nob gags 

In the pub or on the pavement, 

For only then I’ll truly feel 

That we’re on the same wavelength. 

 

And when you’ve told me all your nob gags 

’Til they’re printed on my brain. 

You can repeat them all tomorrow 

For I’ll surely come again. 

 

• A Poet’s Life
• Star Trek
• A Postcard From Cairo
• Waldrapp Ibis
• A Postcard From Paris
• Washing Up In The Nude
• A Song In My Heart
• We Are All Tubes
• Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
• Bachelor Gay
• Beansprouts
• Being Smelly
• Bike
• Bog Troll
• Bollocks
• Boris Et Al
• When
• Born To Be A Cunt
• Brian Is A Cunt
• Bum Cracks
• Chairs
• Chips
• Come To Grimsby
• Crustylingus
• Die Like Elvis
• Dining At The Y
• Zafira
• Finger On The Button
• Fuck
• GDPR
• Go East Young Man
• Goose
• Printer Friendly Version
• Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
• Grimsby Fair
• Safe Word
• I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
• Shiter’s Block
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• I Want A Wee Wee
• If I Were
• Ill Ness
• In The Park
• JFK
• Kelp
• Let’s Swap Snot
• Look At Me I’m Wonderful
• My Old Man’s A Dustman
• National Curry Day
• National Poetry Day
• Nob Gags
• Ode To My Stapler
• Ode To O
• Owed To Ayrton
• Pervert
• Poultry
• Theme For An Imaginary Soap
• Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
• The Breakfast Song
• Underwear
• The Glisten On The Aubergine
• The Shits
• The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie

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