Kelp

Kelp, kelp, lovely kelp, 

Give me lots of kelp. 

Pile it high upon my plate, 

It’s something I can’t help. 

It gives me wind and stomach cramps 

And it makes me shit like fuck 

But still I can’t help eating it 

I’ll scoff it ’til I chuck. 

 

I eat kelp for breakfast, 

For my lunch and tea and supper. 

I’ll even eat it between meals 

When I sit down for a cuppa. 

Well, when I say "sit down" I guess 

I really mean sit up, 

Because my chairs are in a pile 

I’m high up when I sup. 

 

I eat my kelp in spring and summer, 

Autumn and in winter. 

I print out hi-res scans of it 

Upon my faithful printer. 

I staple kelp upon my walls 

So anyone can try it. 

It’s a handy way to eat it 

Now that it’s my staple diet. 

 

I thank you. 

 

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• We Are All Tubes
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• When
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• Brian Is A Cunt
• Bum Cracks
• Chairs
• Chips
• Come To Grimsby
• Crustylingus
• Die Like Elvis
• Dining At The Y
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• Fuck
• GDPR
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• Shiter’s Block
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• I Want A Wee Wee
• If I Were
• Ill Ness
• In The Park
• JFK
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• Ode To My Stapler
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