Kelp
Kelp, kelp, lovely kelp,
Give me lots of kelp.
Pile it high upon my plate,
It’s something I can’t help.
It gives me wind and stomach cramps
And it makes me shit like fuck
But still I can’t help eating it
I’ll scoff it ’til I chuck.
I eat kelp for breakfast,
For my lunch and tea and supper.
I’ll even eat it between meals
When I sit down for a cuppa.
Well, when I say "sit down" I guess
I really mean sit up,
Because my chairs are in a pile
I’m high up when I sup.
I eat my kelp in spring and summer,
Autumn and in winter.
I print out hi-res scans of it
Upon my faithful printer.
I staple kelp upon my walls
So anyone can try it.
It’s a handy way to eat it
Now that it’s my staple diet.
I thank you.
- A Poet’s Life
- Star Trek
- A Postcard From Cairo
- Waldrapp Ibis
- A Postcard From Paris
- Washing Up In The Nude
- A Song In My Heart
- We Are All Tubes
- Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
- Bachelor Gay
- Beansprouts
- Being Smelly
- Bike
- Bog Troll
- Bollocks
- Boris Et Al
- When
- Born To Be A Cunt
- Brian Is A Cunt
- Bum Cracks
- Chairs
- Chips
- Come To Grimsby
- Crustylingus
- Die Like Elvis
- Dining At The Y
- Zafira
- Finger On The Button
- Fuck
- GDPR
- Go East Young Man
- Goose
- Printer Friendly Version
- Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
- Grimsby Fair
- Safe Word
- I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
- Shiter’s Block
- I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
- I Want A Wee Wee
- If I Were
- Ill Ness
- In The Park
- JFK
- Kelp
- Let’s Swap Snot
- Look At Me I’m Wonderful
- My Old Man’s A Dustman
- National Curry Day
- National Poetry Day
- Nob Gags
- Ode To My Stapler
- Ode To O
- Owed To Ayrton
- Pervert
- Poultry
- Theme For An Imaginary Soap
- Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
- The Breakfast Song
- Underwear
- The Glisten On The Aubergine
- The Shits
- The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie