Born To Be A Cunt
Some men are born to greatness
Some have it thrust upon them.
Sad to say
It is my fate
That I’ll not be among them.
For ’though I’m not deceitful
And ’though I am up front.
I’ll never be a great man
’Cos I was born to be a cunt.
Some men perform heroic tasks
And help the weak and poor.
Some dedicate their worthy lives
’Gainst famine, death and war.
And there are those who tend the sick
Or work with violent lunatics
Or wash the gulls caught in a slick
And still come back for more.
But one man you will never see
Performing acts of charity
Is, yes,
You guessed it, me.
I could not partake in such a stunt
’Cos I was born to be a cunt.
I’d say you’re completely barmy
If you join the Salvation Army,
And if I said I’m a Samaritan
Bet your arse I’m a charlatan.
I’d rather drive a big flash car
Or hang out in a sushi bar
And be abusive to the waiters
And insist they brought me mashed potaters,
And drink champagne from ladies slippers,
And throw my cash at buxom strippers,
And stagger home completely plastered
Disturbing my neighbours like a total bastard.
Oh yes, I could have been someone
I could’ve been a contender.
But best, I think, to live my life
A not-so-great pretender.
I could have been a winner
But I’m doomed to be a sinner
Because (pardon me for being blunt)
I was born to be a cunt.
Sometimes I’ve thought
I could have taught
Myself to find the best in me,
But I’ll go no higher.
My one desire
Is to fulfill my destiny.
It is my lot
To sod you lot,
Not give a shit.
To hell with it.
The shame? Disgrace?
My arse, your face!
Why should I care
How well you fare?
For in my world of depravity
I’ll slither down its declivity
And tread on every worthless runt
’Cos I was born to be a cunt.
- A Poet’s Life
- Star Trek
- A Postcard From Cairo
- Waldrapp Ibis
- A Postcard From Paris
- Washing Up In The Nude
- A Song In My Heart
- We Are All Tubes
- Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
- Bachelor Gay
- Beansprouts
- Being Smelly
- Bike
- Bog Troll
- Bollocks
- Boris Et Al
- When
- Born To Be A Cunt
- Brian Is A Cunt
- Bum Cracks
- Chairs
- Chips
- Come To Grimsby
- Crustylingus
- Die Like Elvis
- Dining At The Y
- Zafira
- Finger On The Button
- Fuck
- GDPR
- Go East Young Man
- Goose
- Printer Friendly Version
- Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
- Grimsby Fair
- Safe Word
- I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
- Shiter’s Block
- I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
- I Want A Wee Wee
- If I Were
- Ill Ness
- In The Park
- JFK
- Kelp
- Let’s Swap Snot
- Look At Me I’m Wonderful
- My Old Man’s A Dustman
- National Curry Day
- National Poetry Day
- Nob Gags
- Ode To My Stapler
- Ode To O
- Owed To Ayrton
- Pervert
- Poultry
- Theme For An Imaginary Soap
- Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
- The Breakfast Song
- Underwear
- The Glisten On The Aubergine
- The Shits
- The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie