Born To Be A Cunt

Some men are born to greatness 

Some have it thrust upon them. 

Sad to say 

It is my fate 

That I’ll not be among them. 

For ’though I’m not deceitful 

And ’though I am up front. 

I’ll never be a great man 

’Cos I was born to be a cunt. 

 

Some men perform heroic tasks 

And help the weak and poor. 

Some dedicate their worthy lives 

’Gainst famine, death and war. 

And there are those who tend the sick 

Or work with violent lunatics 

Or wash the gulls caught in a slick 

And still come back for more. 

 

But one man you will never see 

Performing acts of charity 

Is, yes, 

You guessed it, me. 

I could not partake in such a stunt 

’Cos I was born to be a cunt. 

 

I’d say you’re completely barmy 

If you join the Salvation Army, 

And if I said I’m a Samaritan 

Bet your arse I’m a charlatan. 

I’d rather drive a big flash car 

Or hang out in a sushi bar 

And be abusive to the waiters 

And insist they brought me mashed potaters, 

And drink champagne from ladies slippers, 

And throw my cash at buxom strippers, 

And stagger home completely plastered 

Disturbing my neighbours like a total bastard. 

 

Oh yes, I could have been someone 

I could’ve been a contender. 

But best, I think, to live my life 

A not-so-great pretender. 

I could have been a winner 

But I’m doomed to be a sinner 

Because (pardon me for being blunt) 

I was born to be a cunt. 

 

Sometimes I’ve thought 

I could have taught 

Myself to find the best in me, 

But I’ll go no higher. 

My one desire 

Is to fulfill my destiny. 

It is my lot 

To sod you lot, 

Not give a shit. 

To hell with it. 

The shame? Disgrace? 

My arse, your face! 

Why should I care 

How well you fare? 

For in my world of depravity 

I’ll slither down its declivity 

And tread on every worthless runt 

’Cos I was born to be a cunt. 

 

• Washing Up In The Nude
• Bike
• Chips
• National Curry Day
• Go East Young Man
• Bachelor Gay
• Poultry
• A Song In My Heart
• Finger On The Button
• A Postcard From Paris
• Beansprouts
• Nob Gags
• Bollocks
• Boris Et Al
• Crustylingus
• Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• Shiter’s Block
• Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
• Look At Me I’m Wonderful
• The Glisten On The Aubergine
• In The Park
• Being Smelly
• Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
• The Shits
• My Old Man’s A Dustman
• Star Trek
• Ode To My Stapler
• Chairs
• Waldrapp Ibis
• Bum Cracks
• Die Like Elvis
• Kelp
• Fuck
• I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
• We Are All Tubes
• Underwear
• If I Were
• I Want A Wee Wee
• Pervert
• GDPR
• Grimsby Fair
• Ode To O
• Let’s Swap Snot
• A Poet’s Life
• Come To Grimsby
• Ill Ness
• Brian Is A Cunt
• National Poetry Day
• A Postcard From Cairo
• The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie
• When
• The Breakfast Song
• Dining At The Y
• Zafira
• Born To Be A Cunt
• Goose
• Bog Troll
• Printer Friendly Version
• JFK
• Theme For An Imaginary Soap
• Owed To Ayrton
• Safe Word

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