Printer Friendly Version

Hey printer! Gosh, you’re really nice, 

I love the way you print, 

The sharpness of your images, 

The colours, hues and tints. 

The photos of my holiday 

Are pleasing to my eye, 

No crappy jagged edges 

At twelve hundred dpi. 

 

Yo printer! Wow, you’re so superb! 

You print with awesome clarity. 

I say these words sincerely 

And not just out of charity. 

For Christmas Day I do not want 

A pear tree full of partridges; 

Instead I would prefer my stocking 

Filled with colour cartridges. 

 

Wow printer! Oo, you’re truly great, 

You make me feel on fire. Oh, 

Printing stuff is way more fun 

Than writing with my biro, 

And when I am not with you 

Then I’ve only gone a away for 

Half an hour to buy you lots 

More clean white sheets of A4. 

 

• Goose
• Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
• Die Like Elvis
• National Curry Day
• Bachelor Gay
• A Postcard From Paris
• Poultry
• Bike
• If I Were
• Beansprouts
• JFK
• Owed To Ayrton
• The Glisten On The Aubergine
• Printer Friendly Version
• Underwear
• Chairs
• The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie
• Bog Troll
• Waldrapp Ibis
• When
• Kelp
• Born To Be A Cunt
• I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
• A Postcard From Cairo
• Grimsby Fair
• Safe Word
• Zafira
• Theme For An Imaginary Soap
• Star Trek
• Washing Up In The Nude
• Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
• Ode To My Stapler
• The Breakfast Song
• Pervert
• We Are All Tubes
• Fuck
• Finger On The Button
• Come To Grimsby
• Shiter’s Block
• Go East Young Man
• Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
• Brian Is A Cunt
• National Poetry Day
• Crustylingus
• In The Park
• Ill Ness
• I Want A Wee Wee
• Nob Gags
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• Dining At The Y
• Let’s Swap Snot
• Bum Cracks
• A Poet’s Life
• Ode To O
• Boris Et Al
• GDPR
• Look At Me I’m Wonderful
• My Old Man’s A Dustman
• Bollocks
• Chips
• Being Smelly
• A Song In My Heart
• The Shits

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