The Shits
Christ, I’ve got the fucking shits,
I’ve really got the runs.
My bowels, they move like Krakatoa
Or twenty cannon guns.
My ringpiece is as hot as hell
And grips me like a spanner.
I bet you it could fry an egg
Or light up a havana.
Oh, I could blame the vindaloo
And I could blame the bhajis
But true to say it’s me who ought to
Answer all the charges.
And as I burn
I ought to learn
But know I never will.
For Friday night
Will come again
And I’ll eat that same swill.
But for now
I’ll shift around
Uneasy in my seat.
The toilet’s near
My route is clear
Should I need to retreat.
So please don’t curse
If in this verse
I make a quick departure
I’ll be back
Minus my cak
Unlike Jeffrey Archer.
At least I am not feeling sick
Or got a bad hangover.
And if I take Imodium
Then this thing will soon be over.
In fact already I feel good,
My arse now feels the way it should
I think that I could walk okay
And skip and jump and shout hooray
I only feel the urge to fart
Excuse me, it’s about to start.
‘Pffffft,’ Hey, look what I can do!
‘Shhplurt!’ Oh shit! I’ve followed through...
- A Poet’s Life
- Star Trek
- A Postcard From Cairo
- Waldrapp Ibis
- A Postcard From Paris
- Washing Up In The Nude
- A Song In My Heart
- We Are All Tubes
- Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
- Bachelor Gay
- Beansprouts
- Being Smelly
- Bike
- Bog Troll
- Bollocks
- Boris Et Al
- When
- Born To Be A Cunt
- Brian Is A Cunt
- Bum Cracks
- Chairs
- Chips
- Come To Grimsby
- Crustylingus
- Die Like Elvis
- Dining At The Y
- Zafira
- Finger On The Button
- Fuck
- GDPR
- Go East Young Man
- Goose
- Printer Friendly Version
- Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
- Grimsby Fair
- Safe Word
- I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
- Shiter’s Block
- I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
- I Want A Wee Wee
- If I Were
- Ill Ness
- In The Park
- JFK
- Kelp
- Let’s Swap Snot
- Look At Me I’m Wonderful
- My Old Man’s A Dustman
- National Curry Day
- National Poetry Day
- Nob Gags
- Ode To My Stapler
- Ode To O
- Owed To Ayrton
- Pervert
- Poultry
- Theme For An Imaginary Soap
- Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
- The Breakfast Song
- Underwear
- The Glisten On The Aubergine
- The Shits
- The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie