Chairs

Kitchen, dining, swivel, reclining, 

All these chairs I got ’em. 

So when my legs are weary 

I’ve a place to plonk my bottom. 

A sumptuous leather armchair 

And a chair that’s filled with beans. 

I even have a golden throne 

That’s fit for kings and queens. 

 

Chairs of oak and pine and beech 

Or even moulded plastic 

Fill my rooms with seating space 

It truly is fantastic. 

Everywhere within my house 

A chair stands on the floor, 

But even with my plethora 

Of chairs I still want more. 

 

But when I come back home 

With yet another purchased chair. 

I find that I can’t put the bleedin’ 

Bastard anywhere. 

So now they’re stacked so high 

That if I want somewhere to sit 

I’ve got to climb a stack of chairs 

Which wobble quite a bit, 

 

And when I’ve got up to the top 

And sat down I am feeling 

Quite unstable with my head 

Pushed up against the ceiling. 

But that’s OK I’m happy, 

And I haven’t got a care. 

Everything is wonderful 

When I am in a chair. 

 

So, if you’d like a cup of tea, 

Please come round to my place. 

Because I find I don’t get many 

Visitors these days. 

I just don’t understand it 

’Cos I’m such a genial host, 

And when it comes to seating, 

Well, my house has got the most. 

 

So, let me put the kettle on, 

Sit down and put your feet up 

I would be most delighted 

If you and I could meet up. 

Say what you like about me 

I am not the sort to roam, 

But most of all at least I’ve got 

All my chairs at home 

 

• Washing Up In The Nude
• Bike
• Chips
• National Curry Day
• Go East Young Man
• Bachelor Gay
• Poultry
• A Song In My Heart
• Finger On The Button
• A Postcard From Paris
• Beansprouts
• Nob Gags
• Bollocks
• Boris Et Al
• Crustylingus
• Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• Shiter’s Block
• Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
• Look At Me I’m Wonderful
• The Glisten On The Aubergine
• In The Park
• Being Smelly
• Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
• The Shits
• My Old Man’s A Dustman
• Star Trek
• Ode To My Stapler
• Chairs
• Waldrapp Ibis
• Bum Cracks
• Die Like Elvis
• Kelp
• Fuck
• I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
• We Are All Tubes
• Underwear
• If I Were
• I Want A Wee Wee
• Pervert
• GDPR
• Grimsby Fair
• Ode To O
• Let’s Swap Snot
• A Poet’s Life
• Come To Grimsby
• Ill Ness
• Brian Is A Cunt
• National Poetry Day
• A Postcard From Cairo
• The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie
• When
• The Breakfast Song
• Dining At The Y
• Zafira
• Born To Be A Cunt
• Goose
• Bog Troll
• Printer Friendly Version
• JFK
• Theme For An Imaginary Soap
• Owed To Ayrton
• Safe Word

Shitespace | Stories