Shiter’s Block

What shall I write about today? 

I haven’t got a clue. 

I’ve written poems on all the things 

On which I hold strong views. 

And now at last I’ve drawn a stump, 

My mind has gone all blank. 

Time, I think, to go upstairs 

And listen to some Hank. 

 

Bloody hell! What’s wrong with me? 

See what I just wrote? 

I missed a really obvious rhyme! 

It’s time to get my coat. 

No more poems from me today, 

I’m truly out of luck. 

I’ve lost the knack to write rude words, 

It seems I’m totally stuck. 

 

Oh no! I just did it again! 

My rhymes have gone all bad 

Normally I’d have seen that coming. 

Oo! It makes me mad. 

I just can’t seem to end my verses 

With a rhyme that’s witty 

Everytime I try it 

They just fail... oh, what a pity. 

 

Right! That’s it! I’m giving up. 

I’m throwing in the towel. 

May as well become a monk 

With a robe and cowl. 

I’ll only end up cross which will 

Then make me scream and grunt 

And everyone will laugh and say, 

"Oh, what a stupid stunt!" 

 

 

Part 2 - "Going Nice" 

 

Maybe I should change my tack 

And stop writing this drivel 

If I carry on like this 

My brain might go and shrivel. 

Instead I’m going to turn my back 

On puerile poems and tales, 

And only write about nice things 

Like flowers and trees and whales. 

 

Oh yes, I’m going to use my art 

To help to save the planet. 

And all that crap I did before, 

I’m simply going to can it. 

Right, okay, that’s it, let’s go, 

You’re reading the new me. 

I’m going to use my powers for good, 

Not evil. Yes, you’ll see... 

 

So, let us start with dolphins. 

Well, they’re nice. Just, look! They are! 

So careful as you’re driving now; 

Don’t hit one with a car. 

Oh, cars are bad, oh yes, they are. 

They give off air pollution. 

So drive them where there is no air. 

There, that’s another solution. 

 

And elephants, one moment please 

while I just look them up... 

Ah, yes, it says right here 

That elephants are good. 

So feed them lots of trees because 

That’s what they like to munch 

Trees...? Just a sec, I thought I’d read 

About them over lunch. 

 

Oh no, it says that trees are good, 

We mustn’t chop them down. 

That means to save them we must gun 

All elephants to the ground. 

Well that’s a total contradiction, 

Makes no sense to me. 

I’m all confused now, lost and muddled, 

Truly all at sea. 

 

Maybe I should stick to what 

I know I do so well, 

Churning out a load of puerile 

Poems that simply smell. 

Doing good and getting into 

Environmental stuff 

Isn’t quite my cup of tea. 

It’s actually rather tough. 

 

• Goose
• Great Fat Hairy Arseholes
• Die Like Elvis
• National Curry Day
• Bachelor Gay
• A Postcard From Paris
• Poultry
• Bike
• If I Were
• Beansprouts
• JFK
• Owed To Ayrton
• The Glisten On The Aubergine
• Printer Friendly Version
• Underwear
• Chairs
• The Secret Life Of The Wheat Crunchie
• Bog Troll
• Waldrapp Ibis
• When
• Kelp
• Born To Be A Cunt
• I Walked On Golden Sandwiches
• A Postcard From Cairo
• Grimsby Fair
• Safe Word
• Zafira
• Theme For An Imaginary Soap
• Star Trek
• Washing Up In The Nude
• Thank Friday It’s Curry Day
• Ode To My Stapler
• The Breakfast Song
• Pervert
• We Are All Tubes
• Fuck
• Finger On The Button
• Come To Grimsby
• Shiter’s Block
• Go East Young Man
• Auntie Brenda’s Pheasant
• Brian Is A Cunt
• National Poetry Day
• Crustylingus
• In The Park
• Ill Ness
• I Want A Wee Wee
• Nob Gags
• I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit
• Dining At The Y
• Let’s Swap Snot
• Bum Cracks
• A Poet’s Life
• Ode To O
• Boris Et Al
• GDPR
• Look At Me I’m Wonderful
• My Old Man’s A Dustman
• Bollocks
• Chips
• Being Smelly
• A Song In My Heart
• The Shits

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